Hello my dear LJ-friends.

After three months I decided it’s time to at least give a sign of life. First news and then I’ll say something about my break. Most I want to apologize to a special unnamed person (you know you’re meant *laughs*) and thank for the already given comments I think I’m not going to answer. And arashinoookami, you were always so nice to me and helped...


From here on my certainly uninteresting rambling starts.

I don’t know what was the last information I gave. Right now it’s decided I’m moving again to a new apartement with my mother. The reasons for that are simply money problems.
Right now I’m still in my old room and have internet. Wher I’ll be living from next month aren’t possibilities to get DSL, there’s just an on-air station and we have yet to see if this will work for you. So I might be without internet soon again...

I think there’s some need to explain here. I really don’t know how to apologize, I wonder if some thought I was lying dead in some side alleyway...? I already thought of different texts for that but everything seemed after some time unfitting. Since the beginning of the year I felt really down. Not just down but really unable to move on. My day consisted, after I came home from school or practical training basically in crying, music, taking pain killers and sleeping. I always harboured negative feelings towards my body but now they grew to hatred. I could explain further but that wouldn’t be interesting. The main essence is, I didn’t just wanted to hurt myself physical but even more psychical. Per chance I came to know how unwanted I was in many things. I think no one wanted to hurt me but it just slipped here and there that I actually was out of place. I also had some problems with the trial and my father and moving in again with my mother after living for so long on my own.
You see, whenever I thought I was doing better and could go back to socialize I got hit again by something and stayed lethargic. In those three months I lost all friends except one who isn’t doing any good. Well, she’s trying to but I really don’t want her to help. I neither want professional help nor back up. The reason is simple. All of you and my friend are such lovely people, I seriously don’t want to bring anyone of you down because no one deserves that.
Why I never talked about this before is because there is this bright burning shame (how poetic !). I personally don’t think I can be that wound up. There are so many people who have more serious problems, what is my little idendity crisis against that ? I just came to realization that I have to get in contact with other people again after I recognised I was reffering to myself when the issue was about me in not so nice words like...well, it contained the word bitch.
And not at least I made it easy on me. I’m not going to lie about this. Another reason to just shut off anything was the mentioned friend (even if she would ever stumble upon my LJ she won’t even know it’s her, ha !) and some of you folks. Don’t get me wrong, I love you but this is also the main problem. I’m not going to go on with that or I might hurt someone or even scare you away.

Blabla, you might want to skip that up there


So either you read my uninteresting ramblings or skipped it, I really want to apologize. I’m sorry, I just felt like I had to defend my behaviour. Anyways, I’m deeply sorry for running away like that and I’m even more sorry I can’t promise this won’t happen again.


Oh my god, I made it all sound almost tragic...so please don’t worry about this.
And I’m sorry if that long post spammed your f-list ! Please no flaming for that, I’m pretty sensible right now and will start crying easily >_>

I’m going to post it before I can redecide about that... ~_~ see, I'm sorry and don't want to be a total bitch


PS: a reason for my improvement was the Candy Spooky Theater concert I attented. It really made me feel better, for the first time I meet nice people again, too.

I feel so useless right now..

No replying, socialising or anything right now from my side, sorry.
I caught the flu at my wooondeful workplace (got the sarcasm in here ?)

I was a bit sick by thursday and from then on it went all the way down. I had to work downstairs in the hall where there's this penetrating smell of paint and alcohol, in the cold standing on my feet for more then 3 hours. Done with that I welcomened a friend who stayed for two days. I had a pretty intense and exhausting conversation with her and at the same day another one with my mum after inspecting a potential new flat.

I can't believe it...I'm absolutely so not into romantic and don't believe in love. (yes, the trial with my father is still going on !) Though I never searched and never let myself be found I feel shocked now for not having a boyfriend. Yes, I just got to know a lot of my friends are engaged by now ! All my friends will be married before I even had one boyfriend o_O c'mon, that's gross...

Definitely to little food, to much running around in the cold, to many nightmares and, seriously, to many honest talks and answers.
Talking about my innermost makes me sick. Guaranteed.
It's already past midnight and I have to get up in 5 hours again...


Next upcoming destructive encounter: Valentines Day !

With a bit of luck my internet connection will last long enough to post this ^^ yeah, it's fun to have no internet, television or radio -_-"


I hope everyone of you had a good time, some wonderful free days, a merry christmas and a absolutely fantastic start into our new year ! And, most of all, spend this time with some beloved people ^^


( dear requesters )


(start common statement for new year)
May your year be a better (or even better) one then the last year and for the world less pain and suffering. For that people all around the earth come closer in love and understandment.
I love all of you so don't change. Even if the person next to you doesn't like you the way you are, the person two rows in front of you might do.
(end common statement for new year)

And hopefully everyone of you had just good dreams and a good start. Where I live it's common to say what you dream between christmas eve and new year will become true in the next year and how your year starts it'll be ^^
So my upcoming year will be quite...interesting strange !



edit: of course during posting this my internet connection broke and my computer crashed @_@ come on, computer, stay with me for this year ! I can't effort even proper clothes or food not to think of a new computer ! Luckily I was smart enough to make a copy of the entry -_-

Edit1: I wrote this yesterday night so don’t wonder...I just hadn’t the time to post it


Hello to everybody out there ^^
Again (I know, this is getting lame...) I’m really sorry I didn’t answered mails, comments and so on ! Seems like times are coming after times...

First I always was too tired or occupied to do anything. With the school and room search, the maintenance claim and other joyful amusements.

Now since more then one week we’re fighting with my move.
I got to Leipzig by train and when I was there my mum said “We’re gonna stay the next two days ^^” while I was just like “HUH ? Why didn’t you told me before ?! I don’t have anything for change with me !!!” What a start of the week -_-”
To make it short: I don’t know where to go with my stuff that’s lying around (cause there was no place for it in my drawers), I’ve got definitely too many books, after I sorted out I have as well as no clothes left (the last trousers I had are kaput)...oh, and did I mentioned I have no bed ? Right. My clothes are in a travel case and I’m sleeping on the couch (and the ground). For the next three weeks. Yes ^^”

I have no money after I failed my theoretical driving license exams. The girl who lived in my room before didn’t paid the settled half of the rent and my father had the trial being delayed again. I just hope my new landlady won’t remember the deposit cause then I won’t be able to pay anything *sweats*

And now after all...I just wonder about one thing. Is it me who is crazy or is anybody around me crazy ?
I was in my room fighting with my items when my mothers boyfriend (who was supposed to help that day) rushed in and said:
“I just want to let you know I broke up with your mum !”
Cho: *keeps on packing items in box* “Ok”
Boyfriend: “And that’s it for you, this easy ?”
Cho: oô “Eh...sure ?”

So now I’m sitting here while my mother went out of my room after she talked to me and drink my glass of plum wine. Yeah. That’s life !

I can’t say how sorry I am I didn’t replied to any messages and also won’t likely do it reliably in the next two weeks as my mother canceled her vacation trip and keeps an eye on me that I won’t be on my computer.
And thanks for all the help and support of my friends concerning my little dating problem. Though it didn’t vanished it turned out better than I thought ^^


Edit2: Now, after this night on my couch I know I won’t be able to spend three more nights on it not to mention three weeks ^^”

I know I don't have the time right now to reply to my mails but oh well...

Short summary:
Yesterday my friend went with me to a club and everything was nice so far. Then she saw somebody who looked (after her opinion) a bit like Johnny Depp. She was too emberassed to look into his face so I did to tell her if he really looked like Johnny Depp. Obviously he noticed >_<
Later he came to us and asked if he could treat me for a drink (is that right ? oÔ) I asked behind me if he meant somebody else but hell, there was nobody...my friend sitting right next to me looking irritated.

We talked for almost 2 hours and he asked me out for...today ! Don't get me wrong, he's nice and not bad looking, he even got on the bus with me for 2 stations. But I seriously don't want to come over to his flat to have dinner with him right on the next day !

Why did I agree ? He bought me one glass of wine, yes. He was nice, ok. But I know I won't be dating him oÔ

So on the one hand I not just took away my friends favorised boy, I also don't know how to prevent from seeing him today (I can't turn my cell phone off, eh ?) And my mum won't give me a plausible alibi !

So what ? Pretend to forgot about a birthday ? Say someone broke into our apartment ? Jump out of my window ? (Being dead is surely a good excuse)

Again I'm totally out-booked for the time. Wow, I feel so important at the moment ! No, not at all...
Yesterday I was in Leipzig to see some rooms to find a flat share for me. It were just three rooms so far and they're all not exactly what I want or need. There is no way for the first one as it still has a stove. The second one was ok but the current flatmates won't pick me. And the third one is just a bit too expensive. I'll have to go there a few more times to see all room in the next week I guess.
And today...yeah, today is my schools prom ! I'll be there all by myself standing stupidly around trying to look not too bad... *sighs*
Monday will be a full day, too cause there are a few things I have to take care of with my school and all.

So yeah. I'm busy :3

Have to go now and prepare for the prom...

I’m so sorry it’s already Monday...my whole weekend was suddenly becoming so messed up and planned out !
So (finally) those are the last requests. Should I still, whyever, have forgotten about something just tell me.

( uploads )

I'll be up do work now as there is so much to do right now that has to be done by tomorrow...!
All of you have a good week, soon there’ll be a next weekend !

So here is the second round of uploads, most of the requests are done now, just the new ones and xlineyx are still waiting for the rest to come, Gomen ne ! >_<

Dammit, there’s a fly in my room who is always going for me (especially my face) and won’t leave also after 4 days !

( go )

You all have a good weekend ! I hopefully will; going to see one of my best friends again after quite a while and waiting for a hopefully positive mail from my (hopefully) dear.
Today going out with my mum to have some strawberry caipirinhas ! Yay !

I’m sorry it’s already Saturday night…my mum surprised me with a daytrip to a near city. But per chance this weekend there was one of the worlds biggest Wave and Gothic events so a lot of interesting people to look at ! Yay ! I'm already looking forward to move to that city, it'll be so phantastic ! (Leipzig, maybe you heard about it)
But now here I am with the first round of uploads !


( go )


I made a list with all requests so don’t be worried that I might forget about something. I’m just sorry it takes me so long but this week I had unexpected a few things to attend...
Requests by nelly_d , popyacherry, x_nihilistic, aoi_, arashinookami and sillynlame are done, the new request of pxsky has been noticed and added.
Those whose requests are not fulfilled by now and who are not added to my f-list I’ll send again a comment.

Ha, isn’t LJ great ? I love how you can come together with people all over the world... *looks around at people from France, USA, Korea and other countries and greets friends* (that was just something random coming to my mind...sorry ^^”)

All of you out there have a wonderful weekend or Whitsuntide, Pentecost, Pfingsten or however you might call it ! (if you have this holiday)

-- requests closed for the next time ! I'm sorry, my internet connection just won't do --

Wow, again I'm showing so much creativity by posting a playlist !
I hope some of you'll find something this time. I'm just too tired and uncreative to decide what to upload and I'm doing this so you just have to tell me what you actually want. Good plan !
But first some stupid randomness, even my dreams are nonsense !

( randomness )

After you survived this (or just ignored it) here are the playlists ! They're still not 'up do date' as my assortment crows continuous.
You may ask me if I have certain things that are not on my playlist especially for PVs and I'll see if I have it but I have to say that I won't have J-Pop or J-Rock majors like Laruku !

legend
[a] - album (usually every album with more then 5 songs)
[s] - single
Bands wich names start with "the" you may search under "T" !

edit: please note LJ again ate my lj cuts ! If you want PVs and lives just scroll down and head for the end of the full entry !

( playlist # to K )

( playlist L to Z )

( Collab discs and compilations )